Hugh has died, He was found in his apartment this morning when the landlord came by. I am a friend of his, and if you all would like, I can post more, when I ha

(no subject)

i am writing this from a friend's pc because att finally got tired of my nonsense. i am off line and may be for some time. if you really need to talk, my new number is 775-322-2850 (i think). the address is the same.
so it goeth.

(no subject)

i believe i have passed through my whining stage. it's embarrassing to whine, but it was nevertheless an honest report of where i was. i do believe i am finished with it, however. this is good.

(no subject)

my parents were into country and western music. i came to despise it, probably just so i wouldnt turn out to be like them. but i always disliked in particular johnny cash. he revolted me. recently i heard one of the last, if not the last, songs he recorded. he redeemed himself in my mind untterly. here are the lyrics:

i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel...
i focus on the pain
the only thing thats real...
the needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting...
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything.
what have i become,
my sweetest friend...
everyone i know
goes away in the end.
and you could have it all,
my empire of dirt...
i  will let you down,
i will make you hurt.
i wear this crown of thorns
upon my liars chair...
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair.
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear...
you are someone else,
i am still right here.
what have i become
my sweetest friend...
everyone i know
goes away in the end...
and you could have it all,
my empire of dirt...
i will let you down,
i will make you hurt,
if i could start again
a million miles away,
i would keep myself...
i would find a way.

(no subject)

this may be the last time i post on this journal. i get closer to that all the time. if you are reading this and you cant deal with anything that might take more than fifteen seconds then bail now and go jerk off or get laid or get stoned or go find someone to kiss your ass so you can feel better about yourself. whatever it takes to get through the day. god knows i have done that too many times. it still makes me ill.
when i first started journaling here the sole purpose was to chronicle my demise, which entailed making a promise to myself that i would always be honest about what i was thinking and feeling on any given day. i had nothing to prove, and still don't.
recently someone i am very fond of said they do not communicate with me so much anymore because i have become "too negative." as if they were always positive and full of lillies and sunlight. i have lived too long and watched people too closely to swallow that shit. all my writing has been a toll to dig down through the conscious crap that passes for a mind and look into the abyss where the truth about the human soul lies. that is easy to say. doing it will transform you forever. it will create a kind of humility which, in my opinion, few people can bear. nietzsche(sp?) said you have to be careful when you look into the abyss, because the abyss will eventually look into you. i've met damned few people who can bear that. lies. most people lust for lies and feed on them like vampires sucking blood. feed me. bullshit me. but whatever you do, dont hold up a mirror in my face, because i am not certain i can stand looking into it.
so, in keeping with my determination to be honest about who and where i am, i would like to tell you this. i thought i had heard all of bob dylan's work. but the other day i discovered the song "Not Dark Yet", i wept, because it expressed exactly how i feel and did so in such a beautiful way i remembered that i used to think he was one of america's finest poets...and he still is. i am going to print the lyrics here because i am a techno-idiot and don't know how to imbed the site. when you are 69 years old, wake up every morning with barely bearable pain from multiples fractures and gunshot wounds, when you have a terminal disease that keeps you from sleeping because the subconscious mind panics when you stop concentrating on breathing, when all your beloved friends from your youth and all of your family are rotting in the earth...then you can tell me i am too negative.

BOB DYLAN   Not Dark Yet

Shadows are fallin', and i've been here all day.
It's too hot to sleep, and time is runnin' away.
Feel like my soul has turned into steel.
I've still got the the scars that the sun didn't heal.
There's not even room enough to be anywhere.
It's not dark yet...but it's gettin' there.

Well my sense of humanity has gone down the drain.
Behind every beautiful thing there's been some kind of pain.
She wrote me a letter and she wrote it so kind...
she put down in writin' what was on her mind.
I just don't see why I should even care...
it's not dark yet...but it's gettin' there.

Well I've been to london and i been to gay paree.
I've followed the river and i got to the sea.
I've been down on the bottom of a world full of lies.
I ain't lookin' for nothin' in anyone's eyes.
Sometimes my burden is more than i can bear.
It's not dark yet, but it's gettin' there.

I was born here and i'll die here against my will.
I know it looks like I'm movin', but i'm standin' still.
Every nerve in my body is naked and numb,
I can't even remember what it was i came here to get away from.
Don't even here the murmur of a prayer...
It's not dark yet...but it's gettin' there.

oh yes it is,

(no subject)

it doesn't trouble me in the least to be one day closer to sweet oblivion, and i will tell you why. i noticed early in life that most people live their lives as if they were immortal. in fact, they exert themselves to the extreme to avoid even thinking about their mortality. consciousness on a daily basis of death is the mother of all reason and beauty. i lived my life exactly as i wanted with disregard for the suffering involved and intense gratitude for the joy and beauty. i haven't missed a thing. and i was fortunate enough to be young and vital as a part of one of the most exciting and committed generations ever. we were right about everything. everything. so let the whole shithouse go up in flames. history repeats itself again and again. to use someone else's words, the best advice anyone ever gave is "Be here now."